Avery Arlene Wayne

I’ve seen Female Trouble, and even if I didn’t capital-G “get” it, it’s difficult to watch that movie without exiting the theater and turning to your friends, like, “that was FUN!” (Left is an actual picture of me and my gorgeous princess angel best friend post-“Female Trouble” commenting on its fun-ness, among other things.)

But I’m not reviewing “Female Trouble”, I’m reviewing Liarmouth!!!!!!! This novel follows curmudgeonly Marsha Sprinkle, whose entire character can be boiled down to: scammer extraordinaire that relishes in making everyone’s lives more miserable, misandrist that is disgusted by sex but promises it to dumb guys so they’ll steal SUVs for her…. generally just the worst mother, daughter, PERSON ever. No redemption or arc to speak of, just her stealing from, confusing, and otherwise disenfranchising innocent old women from the Midwest who are flying for the first time in twenty years to go to their grandchild’s wedding.

The book is FINE, I GUESS, if you enjoy constant ironic commentary on the utterly random behavior of the most insufferable characters of all time. 

It’s definitely funny, but but BUT. First, Waters approach to humor doesn’t feel entirely intentional: it’s very “these characters are going to do something random and absurd, and by virtue of sheer probability each specific reader will generally find about one in five sentences chuckle-worthy”. Think: rimming festival rife with every variety of shit, asshole, and Provincetown joke that might exist (and every permutation of the three). Think: a guy (Daryl) with a  talking dick (Richard) that hangs out all the time, and only gets hard for guys, even if Daryl, the man upstairs, is only into women. Think: surgically altering dogs to look like celebrities, brainwashing dogs by playing them back their owners baby talk, dogs mauling their owners, dogs that think they’re cats. This list is probably sufficient, and I should stop while I’m ahead anyways because it would be impossible to make it exhaustive when almost every sentence of this book is an even more random punchline than the last (extra points if it involves defecation, a creepy old man, sex, or pets).

And, when the humor isn’t odd or gross, it relies on the reader relishing the sadness of very nice old people; one repeating punchline is that Marsha will pick out the most sweet, innocent seeming person in the crowd (think sweet old woman with a cane, or a wholesome family with eight year old twin girls on their way to Disneyland) and intentionally lie to ruin their day (like, “this plane is being taken over by terrorists”, or “Santa isn’t real”). If this sort of humor is what you’re into, then by all means, purchase this book!!!! You won’t regret it!!!! Personally, I cry at two thirds of commercials, whether or not puppies are involved— once a Burger King commercial made me weep because of its tender portrayal of male friendship— so I tend to disdain a book that involves any sort of excessive cruelty or mean-spiritedness…. IF IT’S NOT CONSTRUCTIVE TO THE CHARACTERS OR THE PLOT! Which this isn’t, IN MY OPINION.

Not that anyone is reading this, but. Before anyone comes for me, I do really get the appeal of John Waters. I love watching his interviews, I promise—the guy’s hilarious! And contrary to the content of this review so far, I do think that this book SHOULD exist, and that it’s a riot, and I definitely enjoyed the first half. It just gets so repetitive by page 175 or so, and even if you did find it funny to meander around the Northeast with the weirdest and meanest people alive for those 175 pages, at some point you get immune to the very specific brand of humor and it’s not so fun anymore. Almost like one of those rides at the roller coaster that spins you around in a little pod hurtling in a circle and by the end you’re thinking about every chain-tree of decisions that led you to getting on the ride in the first place. See right. It’s redundant, it’s nausea-inducing, and the climax of the book doesn’t happen until you’re already hanging on for dear life at page 300 or so (somewhere near the end, pagination is a wild guess here).

I will say that there is something to be said about the portrayal of an actually, for-real evil woman, even if Marsha’s cruelty doesn’t really seem to have a literary point. It doesn’t really need to though; I can respect an author writing a fun, clinically-padded-sock-insane book…. just because! There’s nothing explicitly wrong with Liarmouth, it’s just not my taste. And that is A-OKAY!

HOWEVER: Aubrey Plaza has recently been confirmed to play Marsha Sprinkle in the upcoming motion picture adaptation (also directed by Waters) so I’ll probably be changing my tune really quickly. Plus, I think where this book DIDN’T work as a novel, it would be EXCELLENT and eminently watchable as a John Waters movie. There’s so much constantly happening, whether action or jokes or talking dicks or someone’s head being lit on fire or someone’s ID stolen that it leaves no opportunity for the reader to really take a moment and visualize all of the hullaballoo in its full glory. Hopefully the movie will allow for both. And Aubrey Plaza is, well…. Heart eyes…. Heart eyes heart eyes!